Helping Young Hearts Heal: A Guide to Grief Support for Children

The death of a loved one or a major change, like a move or parental separation, can turn a child's world upside down, triggering feelings of profound grief. Since children experience grief differently than adults, they need special types of support based on their age, maturity level, and understanding of the event.

 

A parent or caregiver should know the signs of grief, understand how children express grief, and give age-appropriate comfort and support. This article will explore different types of grief, how children express their sadness, ways to offer support as a parent, helpful healing practices, and when to seek professional help to guide your child through this difficult journey.

Defining grief and loss

Since our society doesn’t often directly address grief, many people suffer in silence. If adults suffer quietly, what happens to children who have been impacted by a tragic event?

 

Grief is something that every person will experience. Because of this, it’s time to talk about grief more openly. We will all eventually need support, especially children.

 

When a crisis disrupts a child’s balance, daily life, comfort zone, and relationships to the important people in their lives, grief will follow.

 

This may be a sudden event, such as a death, or a longer process, such as sickness or a cross-country move.

Types of grief and loss

There are countless situations that can cause grief. Some common ones are death, divorce, deployment, and the loss of a pet.

 

However, circumstances which are often discounted as much less traumatizing than death can cause equal amounts of distress, if not more.

 

The end of a friendship, moving houses or states, and even “happy” events, such as graduating or moving up a grade, can be especially hard on older kids and teens.

The “Stages of Grief” misconception

The “stages” of grief theory was popularized in 1969 by a book called On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. While the author meant well, the book was a poor and inaccurate attempt to place grief into a convenient little box.

 

Outdated stages of grief:

• Denial
  
  
• Anger
  
  
• Bargaining
  
  
• Sadness/depression
  
  
• Acceptance

 

The reluctance to let go of this traditional view of grief is likely due to Western culture’s desire to rush the grieving process. Grief is not linear and therefore has no specific stages.

 

While children or teens may move through similar phases that were once thought to be predictable stages of grief, different experiences are likely for different ages. Furthermore, each individual child will process loss differently.

 

Simplifying grief to stages or levels is not helpful for children who are grieving. Professionals and other well-meaning adults in the child’s life may want to hurry them along through the phases.

 

Fixed stages encourage a simplistic diagnosis of a grieving person. Some may be quick to judge children for staying in a certain stage for too long or for not exhibiting the “correct” behavior.

 

This can be damaging and invalidating. A tendency to judge according to stages also causes shame to the person who’s already suffering great loss.

Alternatives

Children manifest grief differently than adults, and no two children are the same. It’s important to understand how children experience grief and how personal this can be.

 

These considerations make it easier to evaluate how a child is processing the situation and allow for effective support.

How Children Process Grief

Depending on the age and maturity of the child, they will understand death differently. However, keep in mind that death is not the only source of grief that kids face.

 

As discussed earlier, loss includes a wide array of events which can all result in grief. Be sure to apply these observations to a variety of loss situations.

 

From preschool to age 5, children aren’t likely to grasp the permanence of most losses, especially death. Their expression of loss will mostly be changes in behavior, sleep disruption, the need to cling to people and things that are familiar, and possibly acting younger than their actual age (regression).

 

Children ages 6 - 11 will have a better understanding of death. They will grasp that their loved one or pet will never return. They may feel guilty and angry at themselves for not saying or doing the right things before that loved one died.

 

At these ages, children may grasp what a divorce means and will likely mourn the coming of a big move or change. There may be disruptions in eating, sleeping, and other behaviors as they process their loss. 

 

Adolescents and teens can process grief in ways that are similar to adults. They will understand that death and other losses are permanent and react to these circumstances in very individual ways.

 

Older kids are able to begin questioning their own mortality and may exhibit fear when a loved one dies. They may feel helpless and angry, and they can easily slip into the role of having to handle things “like an adult”.

 

Teens might question religion, doctors, and others who were meant to be in charge, and feel a profound sense of unfairness.

 

Teens and older children may also be reluctant to cry in front of others and avoid talking or opening up about their feelings.

The uniqueness of grief

Children can grieve over different things: one child may grieve over what another may not.

 

We must not minimize what may seem like a lesser event in a child’s life by comparing it to a “larger” event in another child’s life. Grief is simply grief, and humans have no control over what causes those expressions of loss.

 

One child who is mildly affected by an event may have a sibling who’s devastated for an extended amount of time regarding the same circumstance.

 

An older kid may be very close to a parent who’s being deployed and become inconsolable when separated, and a young sibling who is more attached to the other parent may not react as much. It’s important to remember the following:

 

• Grief is unique for each person.
  
  
• Grief manifests itself in various ways, depending on age, maturity, and understanding.
  
  
• Grief is not just sadness, but rather an array of experiences. It can lead to a wide variety of emotions, disruptions to eating and sleeping habits, and a questioning of core beliefs.

Grief in our society

The US and other Western cultures seem to be grief-phobic and eager to move the grieving process along as quickly as possible. As long as people seem alright on the outside, others are able to tolerate their grief. The discomfort with grief in our culture has profound emotional effects.

 

There is often an unspoken timeline assigned to another’s grief. Children are perhaps even more susceptible to this imaginary time frame because of their age; young children are seen as especially resilient. We’ve all heard divorcing parents say, “They’ll be fine, they’re young and adaptable.”

 

This mentality can prevent a child from moving through or experiencing grief in an authentic and honest way. Assigning resilience to children puts unfair expectations about their grief and how we think they’ll behave and accept difficult things.

How to help

Let’s explore some ways to assist children who are experiencing grief. Keep in mind that the grieving process has no timeline.There is no official end to grief and no time in which a person is officially healed.

 

The most helpful thing a caregiver or friend can do is recognize that there’s no “getting over” what was lost. Before the loss, that thing or loved one held an important place in the child’s life.

 

“The grieving process is not about “getting over” a loss and returning to how life was previously; it is about learning to live a meaningful life in light of your losses.”

 

Older children have likely been impacted deeply by their loss. Therefore, the goal should be to integrate the loss into their lives in the healthiest possible manner.

 

A teen who loses a parent and is encouraged to incorporate that loss into their lives will have an easier time honoring and enjoying their memory on important days, such as their wedding day. In addition, holidays can be less painful by including the lost loved one.

 

Carrying the loved one close to their hearts, remembering them on a regular basis, talking to them, and being sad on important dates can help the healing process more than most realize.

 

It is harmful to encourage children to forget about the loss or tell them it’ll be less painful with enough time. Honor the impact that person or cherished part of their lives had on them. 

 

There are healing ways to build a life around grief while reducing its impact on their daily lives. With the proper support, the painful triggers may also ease over time.

 

Be a safe space: Communicate that it's okay to be sad, angry, scared, or any other feeling the child may be experiencing. Let them know you are there to listen without judgment.

 

Answer questions honestly: Children need information about what happened and why. Use simple language and check in to make sure they understand.

 

Do not use vague language like “passed away”. Instead, use honest and clear terms, such as “died” and “death”. Sugar-coating terminology is confusing, and it’s another way society tries to avoid talking about circumstances that everyone will face.

 

Practice active listening: Allow children time to express their feelings. Pay attention to their words, body language, and how they’re working through pain during playtime for clues about how they're doing.

 

Respect their way of grieving: No two people grieve in the same way! Support their way of coping, as long as it's safe and healthy. This may include drawing, journaling, talking, crying, being alone, or staying busy.

 

Don't force the issue: Children might open up about their grief in small moments and not during scheduled talks. Offer your support, but if they don't want to talk, don’t force it.

 

Remind children of these truths:

 

• Grief is not on a schedule they can control.
  
  
• Grief cannot be planned for a convenient time.
  
  
• You may not feel the need to cry when you “should”, such as at the funeral or the cemetery.
  
  
• Normal or seemingly small activities or experiences can be the most intense triggers.
  
  
• It’s hard to prepare for the enormous feelings you may have. No child should have to pretend that everything is okay or hide their intense emotions.
  
  
• Encourage kids to allow their grief to flow. Healing depends on continuing through the process, not stopping it.
  
  
• Remind teens that it’s okay to be open with friends about why they’re having a hard day.
  
  
• Make sure children of any age know there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH CRYING.
  
  
• Let them know it’s alright to be angry, and they’re not bad for feeling that way.
  
  
• It’s okay to question religion, authority, doctors, and anyone else. This is part of the process of working through something that was out of their control.

Healing practices to comfort those who grieve

Younger children will likely be comforted by the consistency of daily life and by keeping the same routines as before the loss.

 

Everything from practicing creative and healing activities, preserving memories, and managing triggers can be good practical support for the young ones in your life who are navigating a large loss. 

 

Routine and comfort: Maintain predictable schedules as much as possible. Offer comforting rituals, such as reading special stories or eating a favorite meal.

 

For seasonal routines, keep traditions alive that remind children of the happy times before the loss. For example,  if a move or a divorce triggers deep sadness, decorate your new home like your old home for the holidays.

 

Provide creative channels for expression: Provide supplies for drawing, painting, journaling, playing music, or writing stories. Grief can be abstract, and art helps kids express themselves.

 

It can also be very therapeutic to learn a new skill or craft. Channeling thoughts and feelings into a creative project can bring some relief .

 

Create memories and keepsakes: Help children create a memory box, scrapbook, or any way to remember what they loved about the person, the pet, or the home they lost.

 

For example, you can make a quilt out of clothing that belonged to a loved one for the child to wrap themselves in.

 

Be aware of triggers: If a situation or trigger causes strong emotions, provide gentle guidance: "Would you like to take a break? Would you like to draw how you're feeling?"

 

If a child has trouble at school or navigating daily errands, like appointments or grocery shopping, be mindful that they might need extra comfort, patience, and down time.

 

Symbolism: Find comforting ways to remind a child that a lost loved will always be close at heart. Some children are soothed by imagining the loved one watching over them or being present with them in spirit.

 

Simple things, such as finding a butterfly, a bird, or a heart-shaped object can make the child feel their loved one is near.

 

Spiritual aspects: If a grieving child has a religious background, this will likely play a large role in the grieving process. Their caregivers might approach life through a strong spiritual lens.

 

Most spiritual belief systems emphasize an afterlife. It could be comforting to know that they will see their loved one again someday.

 

Encouraging prayer and reflection can be a great way for children to connect with their feelings and honor the one who has died. Lighting a candle is also a physical demonstration of remembrance that can be very healing.

Helping a younger child through grief

The grieving experience of a very young child may be minimized. Caregivers may assume that the toddler or preschooler has a limited understanding of what happened, and that they will quickly recover.

 

Though a small child may only have a few vague memories, the early death of a parent or very close loved one can cause intense disruptions later in life without the proper help.

 

As children grow, they may experience the loss more deeply. Other family members will talk about and miss the person who is gone. There will likely be pictures of the one who died, and some may even include the child.

 

This child may develop profound grief around a relationship they weren’t able to have. There is a hole that can’t be filled by other people, which can be devastating. Children should be reminded that they have a right to feel that way. 

 

Discussing these feelings of pain and emptiness with a therapist and other family members validates their loss. Not receiving such affirmation could lead to trouble in the future.

 

Without encouragement to face their grief, adolescents who lose a parent may enter harmful relationships, look for love in unhealthy places, or try to replace that missing parent in their lives by any means they can.

 

Supporting a teen through grief: If you already have an open relationship with your teen, there’s a chance they’ll choose to talk to you about their loss and grief.

 

However, some young adults prefer talking to their peers. Don’t take offense if they want to talk things out with other teenagers, as this is relatively normal.

 

Some teens do especially well with peer counselors. This is a special type of talk therapy between teenagers.

 

California recently established a program for high school students who are suffering from grief, anxiety, and other stressors to talk to peers who have experienced similar things. 

 

There is also a nationwide organization that helps schools launch peer support programs to provide support for teens. Brunswick High School in Maine is an example of this.

 

Young adults who have experienced hardships and grief can understand and validate fellow students. Peer counseling programs have been very successful and popular with students.

Additional support practices for parents

• Ensuring quality time and offering your undivided attention is really important when a child is adjusting to a loss or a major change. It’s helpful for them to know you’re available when they want to open up and talk.
  
  
• Telling stories and recalling memories about a lost pet or loved one, or life before the painful event, will help connect the past to the current processing of events.
  
  
• Looking at pictures can be therapeutic when a child or teen is adjusting to a loss. This helps preserve memories and reminds them that the loved one remains close at heart.
  
  
• Say the names out loud of loved ones who have died. Continue to talk about them and talk to them, if it helps. Pretending the person who died never existed is one of the worst things you can do. Children suffer in silence when they think it’s not okay to talk about their loved ones.
  
  
• Normalize the loss by incorporating it into your regular life. Visit the cemetery often and talk with the loved one; tell them about your life and your feelings.
  
  
• Children and teens can often be comforted by wearing a loved one’s favorite shirt or doing other things that keep the connection alive. Do not make them feel weird about their reluctance to “let go”.

Professional help

One of the best things caregivers can do to support their child or teen is to seek professional help. Talking to parents and peers can be very helpful, but a trained professional can provide a special type of guidance.

Counseling and therapy

The most common form of therapy used for grief is cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT is a talking therapy that helps individuals address emotional issues that may affect their daily lives.

 

Going to therapy can help children better express their pain and apply healthy coping skills when they feel out of control or unable to function.

 

The techniques learned in CBT can provide lasting benefits long after the sessions have ended. Children can apply what they've learned to fight negative thought patterns and behaviors.

 

Individual therapy: One-on-one sessions with a therapist can help children explore their feelings and learn coping mechanisms in a safe space. Teens struggling with grief can especially benefit from talking things through with someone who is not part of their daily life.

 

Family therapy: This type of therapy involves parents, caregivers, and siblings to help the whole family adjust. Family therapy is vital after death, divorce, or a sudden change that impacts everyone.

 

Grief support groups: In these support groups, children meet with others their age who are also experiencing loss. Guided by a professional, they can share their feelings, learn they're not alone, and apply coping strategies specific to their situation.

 

How to locate qualified professionals

• Word of mouth is a great way to find a quality therapist. Ask your friends and family if they regularly see a particular therapist.
  
  
• Seek recommendations from other counselors to find someone who specializes in grieving children.
  
  
• Ask your pediatrician or family doctor for recommendations.
  
  
• Use online directories like Psychology Today, which lets you filter by specialization.
  
  
• Contact local mental health clinics to ask about therapists who have experience with childhood grief.

Red flags

You should monitor your child’s situation to ensure you provide the necessary support. The following are some red flags that could alert you to take action.

 

Take note of concerning changes in behavior or mood that last for more than several weeks. These could include extreme withdrawal, drastic changes in sleep patterns, self-harm, or uncharacteristic aggression.

 

There are additional therapies to help children who are having trouble processing a traumatic situation. EMDR therapy is very effective for deep grief and pain that is hard to express. If a loss was centered around a traumatic event, this type of therapy can be very healing.

Support groups for older kids and teens

Grief support groups offer older kids and teens a safe space to connect with others who understand the unique pain of losing someone they love.

 

These groups help young people feel less alone in their grief, learn healthy ways to express their emotions, and gain coping skills to manage difficult feelings. Support groups also offer comfort and support during a time when they may feel particularly isolated.

 

After a death, move, or divorce, some teens may find that their friendship circle has changed. For whatever reason, whether it’s fear, discomfort, or impatience, friends who were once close can become distant or leave completely.

 

Support groups play a vital role in the lives of grieving teens and older children by helping them find others who have a deep understanding of their situation. There is strength in numbers, and being in a room full of people who are going through the same thing can be therapeutic.

Conclusion

The grief of a child or teen after a profound loss, no matter the nature, can cause severe pain and upheaval. The experience is often chaotic and overwhelming. 

 

Though every person will eventually experience grief, children process and move through grief differently than adults; it’s important to understand the help they may need, based on their age. 

 

Honest and clear communication, patience, and access to resources like therapy and support groups can provide a lifeline for children as they learn to cope with a significant loss.

 

Overcoming grief can take a significant amount of time, and each child will navigate the process differently. However, with support and understanding, children can integrate their loss into daily life and begin to thrive.

https://www.snappywords.com/knowledge/helping-young-hearts-heal-a-guide-to-grief-support-for-children

- Also a special thank you to Robin, a student who reached out and recommended we add this article to our online resources.  Great idea, and we appreciate your input!